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Just read my last post from two weeks ago where I talk about an essay that’s due in two weeks which I know I’m gonna procrastinate even thought I don’t want to.
Fast forward 2 weeks.
Fuck this thing is due on Monday morning (it’s Saturday night), and I’ve written only 100 words and a barely thought out thesis. Surprisingly that’s better than pretty much any essay I’ve ever done before. Sad. But this sucks because it’ll probably take me all day to finish it tomorrow and I wanted to go out. And that isn’t to mention my other essay due Wednesday. Or the third one due Friday. Or the presentation a week Monday. Or the essay and exam due a week Wednesday. FUUUUUUUUUCK.
It’s 5 am, I went to sleep at midnight. I thought I’d just get some shit off my chest that I’ve been keeping in for too long.
1. I used to/still do suffer from depression
This is something that kinda dictates my life. It’s hard to deal with, and I know I’ve never been actually diagnosed but from reading and talking to people who have been I’ve realized it for what it is. It’s nowhere as bad as it used to be, but on certain days I need to just go off in a corner and scream/yell/cry for a little while before I can keep going. I don’t know how it started, I do know it started around 10th grade and didn’t really go away till 3rd year of university. If you ask any of my close friends around the time, 2nd year ‘me’ was a guy you didn’t want to be around at all. He was a downer most of the time, and god forbid you put some drinks in him or he would be moody, angry, assholish and just a all round douchebag. I eventually got to the point where my friends just called me out on it and I realized that I had to at least try and help myself to some point, and I guess I did.
2. I over analyze everything
This is probably something contributes to the former point. Every interaction with people, every situation, every test question and answer, every conversation is thought about constantly. The worst is that it happens most prevalently when I try to sleep which is why I usually go to sleep at around 2, stay awake thinking about all my insecurities and problems and what I did wrong and how I could have done better and all of a sudden its 4 and I have to get up in 5 hours for school. It’s really shitty. Only way I can get to sleep its if I’m a little buzzed, and leads to its own problems.
3. I procrastinate everything
School work, job applications, texts, random ass shit. “What do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” Yeah, that kind of mindset gets you in a shit ton of trouble, just look at my grades the last 3 years. I’ve gotten better, but nowhere near good. Even this year I’ve already pulled an all-nighter to finish a measly 5 page paper. Soffffft. I’ve got a 12 pager due in 2 weeks and a bit, and I should probably start this weekend to give myself a chance, but that’s probably not happening. Even just this week I had 3 days to read an entire book (which I was given 2 months ago) for a quiz which we were given the questions for already and was open book. Waited till the last day and then barely made it past 3 chapters and watched Netflix the rest of the night. Then in a half hour the next day, wrote out a great response to one of the questions, 3 hours before the quiz. I am quite smart, but still a retarded idiot most of the time. And unlike the first thing, I’m still pretty bad with it.
4. I drink a ridiculous amount
I’ve recently started to rein this one in the sense that I’ve increased frequency of times drinking per week and lowered amount imbibed per night. However I used to drink so much each night that I would just be sloppy, and while not angry all the time, I would generally do something stupid, quite namely fall asleep, and absolutely HATE myself for it later. Remember that second point? Yeah throw that in and it makes for a bad combination. I don’t know why I took to drinking so vehemently compared to some people, I guess its just the fact that it relaxes me so much. Also even a couple beers help me sleep MUCH better, forgoing that whole stay up an hour or so thinking about random shit that bothers me. Also this shit ain’t cheap, and I’ve probably spent close to couple thousand dollars on alcohol since first year, not a lot when compare to other individuals but I don’t really have that kind of money in the first place so it’s shitty. Recently this year, I’ve gotten better, and even gone out some nights and restricted myself to manageable amounts, but its still a work in progress.
5. I portray a loud and outgoing persona to hide my true nature
Title says it all. I once read somewhere with regards to trying to be better at meeting people they should, “Fake it till they make it”. I guess that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 3-4 years. My brother told me that I should just talk to everyone when I get to university and I’d get more out of it, and like he usually is, he was dead on. But it hasn’t gotten rid of my shy and awkward nature deep down, but maybe that was the point. With this knowledge I’ve just sucked it up and talked to a lot people, and made a lot of good friends but as many have noticed, awkward me still comes out a lot, but I guess I can live with that.
6. I am terrible with girls
No seriously. I am horrendous when it comes to the opposite sex. I’ve gotten so much unbelievably better since high school, and even last year but nowhere near acceptable. For a guy who can talk to people, it’s surprising that I’m this horrible. When it comes to going out, I won’t even talk about about my sheer ineptitude at a club so I’ll focus on my bar experiences. My friends, especially certain high school friends, love to use the analogy of comparing me to a mediocre major league pitcher. I start off well, keep the game interesting, but once I get to a certain point 2/3 through the game, I implode, can’t keep up to where I was before; a decent starter who can never close. And when I say close, I don’t necessarily mean sex, I mean a date, or anything type of relationship. They think its magic that I can just walk up to a girl and start talking (when inside part of my brain is SCREAMING RUN THE FUCK AWAY NOW) when in reality I just find something that seems interesting about her and mention it. But god forbid if I have to hold some one’s interest past 5-10 min. I don’t know what to do. And not just in bars and clubs, the rest of life as well. Again like all the rest of these points, I think I’m getting better, but I do most of the time feel like if I end up in a relationship, it’ll be pure dumb fucking luck. And I’ll find a way to fuck it up.
That’s all I have right now. /rant. It’s 8am now. Fuck.
Snaps of Jay’s perennial fan favourite José Bautista grace the blog today. These images were shot for Sharp Magazine at the Rogers Centre (the SkyDome, in my heart), and were styled by Donovan Whyte. Hop over the warning track for more dingers from Matt & Joey Bats.
SWAG HAS NEVER BEEN MORE APPROPRIATE!
That in an episode of Avatar: TLA, they had Sokka make a masturbation joke. In Avatar. A kids show. Rated 8+. God fucking dammit no wonder I loved it so much.
I joined tumblr AFTER Lost ended. I can’t tell if I dodged a bullet, or missed an era the likes of which will never be seen again. Or both.
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